Letter to my Son

Dear Colin,

I have seen that you have been struggling lately with friends at school. You’re trying to figure out, where, and if, you fit in. This is the age where kids start to notice differences in personalities, appearances, and materialistic things. I know there have been so many times that you have insisted, “Mom, you just don’t understand”, but I do.

The sadness is I do Colin, and it breaks my heart. I have been in your shoes. I remember around your age that I wasn’t super girly. Grandma insisted that I have boy short hair, because it was easier to maintain. I did not get the fad toys, that other kids got to brag about. Somehow or another, I didn’t have many friends.

Its not your lack of trying Colin. You may look like Daddy, but most of the times you act like me. I get that you’re sensitive, and observant; but at the same time you long for acceptance. It hurts to see you raise your voice, and try to do something wacky because you feel it will get you attention. Instead, you might get an odd glance, and sometimes a laugh. I see the mirror similarities as you try to find what is wrong with you, or have the feeling of “everyone hates me”.

When you tell me about the kids that tell you they have “too many kids to play tag”, or just don’t want to play with you at recess, I cry. The days you have come home and told me again, and again that you play alone, I cry. When I ask why, you say “no one wants to play with me”. It makes me cry again, as I am now, because I feel like I’m needing to fix myself all over again. I don’t want you to go through life trying so HARD. What is worse, I see how it pains you that it comes so easy for your little brother. Alex has friends, hes outgoing, and kids seem to flock to him. Now when you meet kids you introduce your brother first. As if,he is your ticket to popularity.

Listen Colin, if I could give you advice that I would give myself when I was 7, it would be this:

YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH AS YOURSELF.

You’re a beautifully handsome, funny, smart, loving boy.

You’re not perfect yet at sports, but you have been getting the hang of it!

You’re a wiz at math, and I love your growing need to learn more things.

You ARE heard. Your voice doesn’t need to go louder. We hear you, want to hear you, and love what you have to say. There is no competition.

If you have to try so hard to fit in with a group of kids, the trick is to stop trying. Stop seeking them out Colin. Stop making them feel like they have power over you. I am sure there are kids that want to play with you, but you’re feeling down about the rejection of a couple. The right friend is there for you. Don’t feel “stupid” about always playing with Ellie. She is a sweet girl. She’s athletic, smart, sassy, outgoing, and shes a red head like Uncle Michael, so I approve.

The point of this Colin is I don’t want you to go down a long road of loneliness. The first time I contemplated being dead was when I was 10. I was horrifically outcast from friends, and didn’t feel loved. My family also didn’t it seriously when they found drawings of me illustrating this. You, my sweet beautiful boy, ARE loved. I have loved you from the moment I knew you were there. I am sorry if I haven’t been there the way I have wanted to this last year, but I am here now.

We will figure this out together, and I will guide you the best I can. Just know that you’ll make it, and you will find friends. Most importantly just remember that you’re family loves you.

Love you to the moon and back,

Mommy

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2 thoughts on “Letter to my Son

    • Thanks Stephanie. Its been hard this past year trying to cope with the loss of my own Mother. So, I suppose finding the balance and diverting that energy from grief into being my kids cheerleader is most important now. Sometimes you just need that kick in the butt 😉

      Like

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