So I know I said I didn’t forget this blog, and I didn’t. However, I think the shock from the last 7 months of losing my Mom caught up with me. Between going to Vermont without her, our family home, and other issues; I feel like I got hit with a tidal wave. I’ve told some friends that I don’t know how I would have made it through that initial period without asking for prayers of strength. I now sit back and almost have PTSD of the whole time period. Whether it was:
Mom telling me she had a tumor
Meg saying it was cancer
Taking Mom for the doctors visit where they admitted her
Seeing Mom go into anaphylactic shock from chemo
Seeing Mom with a black eye
Watching her lose weight and hair
Seeing how she couldn’t keep up
Watching her sick
Taking her to the ER one last time
Finding out she was going to die
Being there every moment
Mom saying “Erin can you just stop talking?” and me finally saying “No, because how do I know how many more times we will?!”
Mom gripping my hand, waking me up while I slept next to her for 4 nights.
The last time she told me she loved me.
When I finally caved and told her it was ok, crying.
Driving home at 2:30am the day she died, and seeing the hospice sign. I thought about it, and then went home. She passed 2 hours later.
It is very hard to comprehend that someone who was healthy is just, gone. Its harder to realize you watched them deteriorate. While I am thankful for having the time with her, the hurt is beyond what I was prepared for. Whats worse? The other people that are lost along the way. There are plenty of people that say they’re there for you after a loss. One by one (some more hurtful than others) disappear. I’m learning to focus on my family unit. I throw all my energy into the people (and pets) under my roof.
I have tried to make time for friends, and was beyond grateful for two of my best friends coming over yesterday. We had a pretty awesome spread on my front porch with Sangria to boot. We took a quick drive to the beach, and got to act silly at Home Goods. It was what I needed. To know I’m not alone.Its hard to explain the feeling of loneliness when you have a family. I also don’t know at this point if I was still working, if my feelings would be different.
What I DO find important to note is this is different than what was experienced in the past. I know I suffered with Postpartum after Colin. I never admitted it and struggled through it. That was an overwhelming feeling of doing it wrong when I wasn’t. Feeling worthless, alone, judged, and all over the place. I would recommend reading this article about postpartum. I feel the article is true for a lot of people with depression. Will you know just by looking at them?
With this round of depression its the feeling of someone is gone. That I can’t pick up the phone and call Mom to say Alex had a hard day going to school. That he cried and I had to leave him, and I walked home crying. She would have told me its ok, he will adjust, he will be fine. Then, I would have spoken to her later and she would have told me which of her friends agreed, and I would have groaned that she talked to others about it. I think of a year ago and how she was looking forward to me leaving my job with the hope of having LOTS of day trips. They were far and few between.
I’m more quiet. I can still be myself around friends, but have taken listening more seriously. I would be the loudest, and now I consider each moment. I don’t sleep, much. I don’t get angry. I just feel broken. I am the 1000 piece jigsaw puzzle being put back together.
I do relish the moments when I feel myself. Whether its dancing to “fireball” in the kitchen, hosting friends, playing games with the boys, or just trying.
I write this to say I’m not fine. This is so others who have thought I’m being nasty know I’m just broken. To my friends/family that have been unwavering that they know they’re my push. I also write this so others can see it. I think other Mom’s, people who have lost, or those who are just depressed know its not just them. Depression can be so isolating. Its like someone giving you a hug and you cringe.
I want to stress it should be mentioned there have been a handful of incredible uplifting people in my life. Those who have been unwavering and give me hope. Family doesn’t always have to be blood. My friends have proven that.
I’ve said before, my blog would be unfiltered and it is. I’m admitting to depression. I want to say I see a light at the end, but I can’t right now. Perhaps I will soon, just not now.
With that said, I will be posting more. I have had happy moments in between chaos. Hopefully I can soon share. I’m sure not all posts will always be happy, but this is real. Consider this a disclaimer for the future.