You’re alive, but are you living?

I’m currently enjoying the quiet while at the hospital. My Mom is sleeping, the room is quiet, and I figured, “hey I haven’t written in a couple days.” I was incredibly thankful for my sister coming down from Friday to Saturday for me. Everything had been emotionally exhausting. 

On Saturday we managed to take down most of the Christmas decorations at my Mom’s. Her only request was that we take pictures before we do it. Of course we obliged:

It’s really scary for us going through this. When I was 14 my father died after complications with colon cancer surgery. By all means the doctor screwed up, the hospital failed him, and it was the longest 45 day battle. So, my mom is all I have left. The word orphan came up. I said to Eli I can’t believe I won’t have my parents at all. 

The other terrifying subject would be both of my parents having cancer early and possibly not living past 70. What does this mean for my own history?! Will I die younger? Will I have cancer? I can’t imagine going through this myself.

Yesterday when the doctors declared my Mom is currently inoperable she was completely down. I had brought Eli and Colin with me to the hospital to perk her up. While the boys were out of the room, and we were talking she told me she felt this was it. I told her, even if it was “it” she needs to live. Living isn’t laying in the hospital, feeling down, and waiting for the grim reaper. Get a little better and let’s get out of here I told her. Let’s go to the beach, have a lobster, go on day trips, and make a bucket list. She perked up and said she would like to, and so I said well you have to fight for that. 

Bless Colin and is intuitiveness when he can tell someone is feeling down. He must have told my Mom how much he loved her three times. He picked out flowers and a balloon for her. Then he just sat and talked to her about the Magic Tree House series. She had been buying him the books, so she loves to hear how he enjoys them. It was so good for her. By the time we left she didn’t look as old, sick, and tired. She has completely perked up. Everyone needs reasons to live, but you have to want to LIVE it. 

All of this has given me more perspective on my life. I choose to live mine. My Mom told Eli while I was out of the room that she just wants me to be happy. He told her in return, “she is, but would be so much more happy if you were ok”. We want the same for each other. Isn’t that all anyone really strives for? Happiness and a fulfillment of life.


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