Making the choice

workThis is how it was. Almost everyday I would be stressed out, wondering if I was making the right choice.  I was working about 50 minutes away from home, as a provider services representative, for a health insurance company. Everyday I would be sitting for at least 2 hours a day driving. Then I would be sitting at work for at least 6 hours. I ended up with back pain, neck pain, head pain, and just plain stress.

Now, the people I worked with were beyond enjoyable to be around. I have made some of the best friends I have had in years from this company. There is something to be said for a call center community. My manager had stated it best, “We are like a family. You pick who you are, and how others fit into your family. There will be the Mother like figure, your sisters, brothers, crazy Aunt types, distant cousins that you wish were more distant, etc.” These were the people that made me want to stay. That, and of course work benefits.

friends

My husband, Eli, owns a fence company. As a small business he does not offer work benefits yet so we really needed the insurance. In case you couldn’t guess, Insurance benefits offered from an insurance company are pretty good.  Between the insurance, and the added paycheck it made sense. Then, the distance started to take its toll. The stress of missing out on our boys life events was hurtful. With the type of job I had there was of course a limited amount of time off. If I got sick, if the boys were sick for a prolonged amount of time, or god forbid we went away, the time would be depleted.

After 2 years of the ups and downs of this (I am WELL aware this doesn’t seem like that long) I was reaching the end of my rope. Eli and I pondered if it was possible for me to be at home. We had hit financial hard times a couple years back, so the fear of heading back there was heavy on our hearts. However, a couple years back the fence company was getting its legs. Running a small business takes awhile. It takes patience.

It was around my birthday in July when I finally told Eli I really didn’t think I could do this anymore. I was too tired coming home at the end of the day. Sometimes I wasn’t seeing the boys for a couple days. I was becoming so depressed. Depressed enough that the day after my birthday I went to the doctor. She also advised me that I might need to make some life choices. Well, every year we go to Vermont during the first week of August. Vermont is our “happy place”. It is where we get outside, unplug, and it is family time for 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

vermontI was finally smiling, enjoying the family, and realizing: I need this. Then my we got the call about my mom. We knew she hadn’t felt well. They had found a tumor a couple weeks before we left and were operating on it while we were gone. Why wasn’t I there you ask? Because I can admit I had a complete mental breakdown and my mother told me to go, that she needed me to go. Well, the tumor wasn’t just a tumor, it was cancer. Once we got that call, the decision was made: I was leaving my job. I was already too stressed out at work. My mother lives 50 minutes away from me and I am the only daughter that lives in state. My father passed away when I was 14 so I needed to be there for her.

When I returned home, I gave it one week and gave a generous 1 month notice. I got my things in order, and on my Mother’s birthday I left my job.

It has been a stressful few months. My Mom’s cancer has been complex. She has had complications, and was hospitalized for almost the full remainder of 2013. I have been taking over office work for Eli, and taking my Mom for all her treatments/appointments. The bright side? I have been there for everything. I have made it to concerts, parades, soccer, ptc’s, everything. It has filled the void in my heart. I have felt like I can do it all. That, being home I a more of a help than I was before. Eli noticed it too. Even though of course the stress of my Mom being sick has hurt, I’m there for her. I couldn’t imagine the pain I would feel if I couldn’t.

So this blog is about transition. Its not bon bon’s on the couch. I am a SAHM who is working with my husband, juggling the kids, and caring for my mom. It will hopefully be a daily vent about things I’m checking out, daily happenings, and how its all done! Maybe some of you will join me? I’m not sure yet. At the end of the day, this is for me!

 

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4 thoughts on “Making the choice

  1. Welcome back home! I’m hope that things get better for you, I know it’s probably extremely hard right now, especially with your mom being sick. I worked for some time during our marriage and it was SO stressful on me, I can definitely relate. Staying home takes just as much courage as going out to work does. Best wishes girl! You have a beautiful family! 🙂

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  2. Emily says:

    Being a SAHM isn’t a walk in the park. I’m a SAHM to a now 5-month old (Well.. Not a total SAHM – I work every other weekend and will be going back to school in the fall taking two classes on campus). But it’s difficult on someone who was used to working 40+ hours a week and being around people with… a vocabulary? Now it’s cleaning, cleaning cleaning and talking to someone who doesn’t talk back.

    I chose to start reading your blog to see some of your day-to-days of coping. I still don’t think I’ve coped with it yet..

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    • Thanks for reading Emily. It is incredibly difficult. I only just went out on my first playdate. Summer is proving to be more difficult than I realized. There’s less me time and ALL kid time. Plus, now that the boys are here it is NON-stop cleaning. I think that’s what is great about the blogging network, we can all lean on each other!

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