Life is like a camera

Life is like a camera. Just focus on what’s important and capture the good times, develop from the negatives and if things don’t work out take another shot. Happy throwback Thursday

mom

We were told today we have 1-2 weeks max left with our Mother. I wasn’t ready for that. My heart hurts, so much. Later on when everyone had left and I sat there with her, I told her,”losing you is more than my Mom, you’ve been one of my best friends”. Its so true, we have taken trips together, shes the one I’d call everyday on my way home, we shared jokes, stories, and more. I should mention on here, I lost my father when I was 14. He died after a incident during surgery. It was drawn out for 45 days, but in the end he passed. I’m not ready to lose my mother.

This was a shock of, “holy crap this is happening.” You really don’t think these things will happen to you, that this is for lifetime tv. This is fast. We are moving her to hospice close to me. I told her all we care about is you being comfortable. Life is too short. There is too much to say. Hopefully I can sort out some of my feelings, but right now its just shock and hurt.

You’re alive, but are you living?

I’m currently enjoying the quiet while at the hospital. My Mom is sleeping, the room is quiet, and I figured, “hey I haven’t written in a couple days.” I was incredibly thankful for my sister coming down from Friday to Saturday for me. Everything had been emotionally exhausting. 

On Saturday we managed to take down most of the Christmas decorations at my Mom’s. Her only request was that we take pictures before we do it. Of course we obliged:

It’s really scary for us going through this. When I was 14 my father died after complications with colon cancer surgery. By all means the doctor screwed up, the hospital failed him, and it was the longest 45 day battle. So, my mom is all I have left. The word orphan came up. I said to Eli I can’t believe I won’t have my parents at all. 

The other terrifying subject would be both of my parents having cancer early and possibly not living past 70. What does this mean for my own history?! Will I die younger? Will I have cancer? I can’t imagine going through this myself.

Yesterday when the doctors declared my Mom is currently inoperable she was completely down. I had brought Eli and Colin with me to the hospital to perk her up. While the boys were out of the room, and we were talking she told me she felt this was it. I told her, even if it was “it” she needs to live. Living isn’t laying in the hospital, feeling down, and waiting for the grim reaper. Get a little better and let’s get out of here I told her. Let’s go to the beach, have a lobster, go on day trips, and make a bucket list. She perked up and said she would like to, and so I said well you have to fight for that. 

Bless Colin and is intuitiveness when he can tell someone is feeling down. He must have told my Mom how much he loved her three times. He picked out flowers and a balloon for her. Then he just sat and talked to her about the Magic Tree House series. She had been buying him the books, so she loves to hear how he enjoys them. It was so good for her. By the time we left she didn’t look as old, sick, and tired. She has completely perked up. Everyone needs reasons to live, but you have to want to LIVE it. 

All of this has given me more perspective on my life. I choose to live mine. My Mom told Eli while I was out of the room that she just wants me to be happy. He told her in return, “she is, but would be so much more happy if you were ok”. We want the same for each other. Isn’t that all anyone really strives for? Happiness and a fulfillment of life.

 

Raw

Stage 4. That’s what has been said. It was outright said that she will never be cured of this. The cancer just keeps growing back and she’s having other complications. I stayed strong as her eyes glazed over with tears. I made sure the doctor told her she has to keep fighting. We can’t allow her to just give up.

I went downstairs, got more coffee, and spoke with my sisters. I felt weak when one of my sisters asked if I needed her to come down. I’m a very proud person, and don’t like to ever ask for help.She’s been with me each step of the way and knows how this feels. I started to cry and said I would need to get back to her.  It felt almost like a confirmation of how I felt, weak.

There is something to be said about how people can read you in a hospital. I was in the lobby, and I’m sure a couple people heard some bits and pieces. Pity, that’s what you see, pity. It’s a terrible feeling that made me shake. It makes it real. Thankfully, Eli called me after I text him and god bless him told me, ” whatever you need and she needs I’m here.” He even offered if she wanted we could move in with her. He calmed me down and I went back up. She’s was ok and I ordered her some lunch. We discussed how she needs to fight and figure out these complications but nothing should ever be taken as a death sentence.

Well folks, I went to get lunch and came back to my Mom talking about giving up.  Then I proceeded to tell my mom that I would be mad, really mad if she gave up. Unless she’s in a vegetative, coma, endless painful state, I would be freaking pissed. My heart aches for her. I needed so badly to get this off my chest. I’m still here with her for another half hour, but this is a roller-coaster.

“Never lose sight of the fact that just being is fun” Katherine Hepurn

Well, here I am writing from the ER with my Mom. I checked my phone and there was a message from her saying she felt out of breath, nauseous, and dizzy. Awesome. She didn’t tell e doctor. The problem is, she has a major fear of being admitted back to the hospital. She had spent 5 weeks in the hospital and it was awful. I will give her that. However, she doesn’t report what she should, and the fact that she didn’t tell her doctor how she felt sent me into mom mode. I called her Doctor, and voila! Here I am. 

Well back to this morning for now. I woke up to the sweet smell of caffeine. Eli made coffee for me and an egg on some flaxseed bread. It is definitely the little things! Everywhere outside was beautifull white from the snowstorm but it was freezing. The windchill was registering at -14 and the dogs did NOT want to be out there,

After feeding the boys, taking the dogs out, feeding the kitten, throwing in some laundry, and turning spotify on, I looked at the dishes. Murphy’s Law struck with our dishwasher breaking one week after I left my job. Since we were still adjusting finances, it wasn’t a priority to replace. I can still survive without one, but OH I loathe it. I finally bought some rubber gloves to protect my hands and have continued with scrubbing those dishes!

After I tackled that chore, I made sure the boys cleaned up their rooms a bit before they earned any screen time. Then, I decided I wanted to finish Colin’s haircut. Yesterday I had trimmed up his hair around his ears because it was driving me crazy! The haircut started out ok, and then of course it took a small turn. I was scissor cutting from the fade up, and Colin jerked his head. Well, too much came off. Dun dun DUN!!! I sighed and just grabbed the clippers and went to work. I’m hindsight I wish I head used a higher number clipper to leave it a tad longer. The plus side is Colin’s hair grows like a weed! The pictures below show before and almost fully after. When Eli came home he edged everything out so hopefully tomorrow I will have a better picture!

 

The rest of the day involved, games, reading, cleaning, etc. I made slow cooker French dip sandwiches for dinner, although I didn’t get one! Here is the recipe I used:

http://bakingbites.com/2008/02/slow-cooker-french-dip-sandwich/

Eli called me an hour ago to tell me it came out awesome. So, give it a try!

I’m going to sign off for the day to just be with my Mom. Hopefully we don’t get terrible news. Cancer really sucks…